CLASSIFIED
Department of Ambient Dread — Form AX-7 (Revised)
The Anxiety Engine
Official Report on Your Current Generalized Concerns
Report Date
—
Threat Level
ELEVATED
Section 1: Domestic Anxieties
Probability the stove is currently on
62%
Likelihood a door is unlocked somewhere
41%
Times you've mentally revisited that one thing you said in 2011
88%
Certainty that appliance is making a new sound
55%
Section 2: Digital Correspondence
Percentage of unread emails that are somehow your fault
77%
Notifications you're pretending not to see
93%
Messages you replied to "too quickly" and now regret
34%
Section 3: Existential Concerns (Miscellaneous)
Vague sense that you were supposed to be somewhere today
48%
Likelihood this progress bar is measuring something real
0%
Feeling that you are not keeping up with the correct number of things
71%
Confidence in current life decisions (inverted)
29%
AGGREGATE ANXIETY INDEX
(weighted by the Bureau)